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The Guy's Guide to Surviving Pregnancy

Randy Thacker, M.Ed., © 2005

You are about to become a dad. It is an overwhelming event and like millions of other men you haven't got a clue about what is going to happen. That is where this page comes in. It doesn't deal with everything that can occur but covers the most common things so you at least have a starting point.

Before you actually become a dad, you have to survive mom's pregnancy. While she bears the brunt of the physical hardships, you get the mental ones. Though your not doing childcare, pregnancy is the warm up period for being a dad.

Coaching

So where do you start? For purposes of explanation, you are mom's coach. But that begs another question. What sport are you coaching? While there are many people involved, pregnancy and childbirth are not really team sports. It is also more of an Olympic event instead of a pickup game in a vacant lot.

So what individual Olympic event most closely resembles childbirth? The answer is weight lifting. The athlete performs a lift, waits and does another with more weight. This continues until no one can lift more weight. For labor, the contractions are the lifts and they continue until the baby is born. Your job as coach is to prepare mom for the big game.

Coaching an individual event athlete is different from coaching a team. You really don't call the plays and cannot replace the athlete if they don't perform well. Like a star athlete mom generally knows what is going on with her body and will lead the training.

She may not appreciate your “help” in making her pregnancy healthy unless it is to support what she is already doing. Your job is to keep her pointed in the right direction, keep her motivated, and help with the changes.

Fortunately you have two things going for you. First is that you have 7-8 months to get ready for the big game. The second is that a lot of help is available.

What You Need to Know

The most important thing you need to know is mom's week of pregnancy. All medical care for both the mother and child is based upon this number. The average human pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks. The weeks are also grouped into trimesters or three periods of about three months each.

Most women find out they are pregnant about 2-4 weeks after they conceive. In the first trimester (0-12 weeks) her body will undergo tremendous changes to carry the baby. It is similar to the problems you encounter starting an exercise program after getting out of shape.

Most women actually enjoy the second trimester (13-24 weeks ) . The changes occurring in the first trimester reach their peak and level out. The baby is growing but not big enough to push organs out of the way. There are few changes during these three months.

As she enters the third trimester (26-40 weeks), the increasing size of the baby and its movement, instead of hormonal changes, create more discomfort. She will be starting to show and most everything will just be harder to do.

The second thing you need to know is the due date. This is important because everyone will want to know it. Doctors calculate the due date based upon the last day of the mother's last menstrual period. They actually have a little wheel device that helps them do this. It is not actually nine months ; just accept it. The due date is not exact since no one bothers to tell the baby. Don't be surprised if your son or daughter has other plans.

Mom will probably visit the doctor once a month to check on her progress. When she hits 36 weeks this increases to every two weeks. At 40 she will visit once a week until the baby is born. If you cannot go with her, you should talk about the visit afterward. This lets you know what is going on and anything you should help with such as diet or exercise .

The following chart lists some key events during the pregnancy.

Pregnancy
Key Point	Usually occurs
First notice pregnancy	4 wks
Heartbeat audible	6+ wks
First Ultrasound	8-12 wks
First movements felt by mom	18-19 wks
Feel movement externally	28 wks
Second ultrasound	28-32 wks
80% chance of premature survival	32 wks
Lungs fully developed	36 wks
Birth	40 wks

What to Expect

In the first trimester mom's body undergoes massive changes to support the baby. She is now on drugs of her own making known as hormones. These cause most of the early changes and problems.

You can expect erratic mood swings. A normally small feeling becomes amplified. A slightly sad story or difficult incident will result in a lot more crying than expected. The swings are not always bad. She may feel very happy, silly or sexy. She has no control over these so you just have to roll with it.

She will probably want to talk about all sorts of things. This is called venting. As a guy you will want to fix the problem and on the surface it may sound like that is what she wants. Actually she just wants you to listen, which can be frustrating. Again just roll with it.

Cravings vary with each mother. Some don‘t have them, while others crave many things. My wife wanted fish with the first son and beef with the second. Neither liked garlic in their food, but loved Tex-Mex. Her appetite will increase and decrease as well. In the first trimester she may throw up most of it and catch up in the second trimester. In the third trimester the amount she can eat is determined by the baby's fist or foot to the stomach. Her varying appetite is why you shouldn't let a pregnant woman hold your food.

I am sure you have heard about morning sickness. Some women sail through pregnancy with few problems while others are throwing up morning, noon and night. It is called morning sickness because that is when it commonly occurs. If mom became motion sick before, it will be worse now.

Also some smells will generate nausea. Most of the time this tapers off by the end of the first trimester as her hormones even out.

Ginger products such as ginger ale, ginger tea, ginger capsules, ginger snaps (a type of cookie), and even sucking on a ginger root all help relieve the nausea. When she is throwing up a cool wash cloth and cup of water to rinse her mouth help.

You wife may be given iron supplements. Her blood volume is expanding to support the baby. She needs to make more red blood cells and she needs iron to do this. The iron supplements cause either constipation or diarrhea. Initially, she will expand her blood volume faster than she can make red blood cells to carry oxygen. This results in fatigue and occasions of dizziness. Most iron supplements are iron sulfate. If mom has problems with this, she can try carbonyl iron which is a different formulation. Unfortunately it is not currently available through the military pharmacy. One brand name is Feosol® and is available at Walgreen.

Pregnant women have low tolerance for heat. If possible your air conditioning will be set on walk in freezer mode, especially late in the pregnancy. Despite this loathing of heat, her hands, feet and rear end will still be icy when she gets into bed.

The changes caused by hormones affect the entire body. They cause the formation of a mucous plug to shut off the opening to the uterus and protect the baby. This also causes congestion in the sinuses. Your wife will now be able to snore quite loudly in just about any position. If she didn't before, she will now. Foam ear plugs for you can help.

You will notice you have less room in bed, but not from her getting bigger. These same hormones loosen the ligaments that hold the bones together. This loosens the pelvis to make it easier for the baby to get out. Thus, she will start with a pillow between her legs to keep the hips all lined up. Then add another, and another, and another until every pillow in the house is on her side of the bed.

Loosening of ligaments in her the feet will cause them to swell, hurt and increase about ½ a shoe size. Foot rubs help.

Another fun thing about pregnancy is its effect on other people. This usually occurs in the last trimester as mom's pregnancy is showing. Total strangers will be possessed to say the stupidest things. Common comments include, "looks like you're having twins," and "haven't you had that baby yet." They may even try to touch your wife's belly as if rubbing it brings good luck. Other women feel obligated to share labor horror stories. If they don't have one of their own, they have a relative, friend or acquaintance whose pregnancy, labor and delivery could form the plot of a successful horror film.

Also in the third trimester the baby takes control of the bladder. As he grows there is less room for everything else. A little foot or fist pushing on the bladder means mom has to find the bathroom quickly.

Depending upon the position of the baby, you will able to feel and may be even see him move around. Don't be surprised if he stops moving the moment you put you hand on mom's belly. Some kids are just contrary from the start.

I didn't mention it before but I know sex is on the mind of every dad. It is not unusual for men to find their pregnant wife more sexy. Especially since mom's breasts will get bigger from the hormones. They will be tender to start with but that eventually lessens.

There is usually no medical reason you and your partner can't have sexual intercourse until her water breaks (just before the baby is born). The key thing is that both of you want to and it does not hurt. You may need to try other positions and other ways of sharing intimacy. In fact your sex life may improve a bit with the mood swings and not having to worry about getting pregnant.

If you start experiencing some of the same problems--nausea, mood swings, appetite changes, etc.-- as the mother, you are not loosing your mind. You are experiencing couvade syndrome. Many dads experience some of these sympathetic symptoms. They most commonly occur during mom's third month and near birth. Some of these symptoms can indicate other medical problems so you may need a checkup.

Logically mom is the focus of any pregnancy. But, this is also a time of upheaval for dad. You may have been surprised about the pregnancy. You may be overwhelmed by it. You could be wondering how you will make ends meet or worry about her when you are deployed. All of this is normal.

On top of this you have to be supportive of mom. This means resisting the natural urge to “fix the problem” when she vents, rolling with the mood swings and providing input into baby stuff decisions that most guys don't really care about.

So what do you do? Remember that while mom is getting the extra attention, she is paying for it in physical discomfort. Because this is something entirely new, go to classes, use resources available in the community, and talk to other dads.

I know it is hard for most men to talk about their feelings, but do so before resentment, frustration or stress peaks. Just following the three “B's” can help—Bull$%*# with a Buddy over a Beer.

Other Coaching Duties

Mom generally needs to eat a little more and gain a little weight. The doctor and staff will advise her on this. Most of the time she can continue eating pretty much the same as before. She may not tolerate some foods and crave others. All meats need to be completely cooked and raw fruits & vegetables thoroughly washed. When eating meat in a restaurant, order it well dead. She may need to reduce her intake of caffeine from coffee, teas and sodas, but a couple of cups a day are not going to hurt the baby.

The only thing definitely off the menu are alcoholic beverages. There is no safe amount. However, one or two drinks during the pregnancy or the amount consumed during communion will probably not harm the baby. I say this so you will be ready, if mom freaks out after accidentally consuming some alcohol.

Though not part of the diet, tobacco products are also off limits. Smoking is proven to reduce birth weight. Birth weight is an indicator of newborn development. The average baby weighs 7-8 pounds. The lower you go, the more problems newborns tend to have. Besides improving both mother and baby's health, the money not spent on cigarettes can be used for other things. This also applies to second hand smoke, so if you smoke, do it outside or with the car window open.

Since she should not do it, you probably should not drink or smoke in front of her. Remember those hormones, a little resentment quickly turns into a lot.

Exercise is the other thing you can help with. Mom can initially continue just about any exercise program she already has.

At some point it will be hard to do things such as running, cycling and high impact aerobics. Walking and swimming are always good exercise and the place to start an exercise program. Again the doctor and staff can best advise her on what exercises to do. Your main job will be to motivate her to do them. One of the best ways is to join her.

In childbirth education classes, you will learn breathing and relaxation techniques to use during labor and delivery. These only work if you practice them. Guiding this practice will be your responsibility in the last few months. They may seem silly, but many of the techniques are used in the martial arts, shooting, high level sports competition, pain management and just about any stressful situation.

If you have a cat, you will need to take over cleaning the litter box every day. Along with under cooked meat, cat poop can contain the virus that causes toxoplasmosis. If you have had a cat for a while, chances are pretty good that mom has already been exposed to this virus and developed antibodies to it. This is just a simple precaution.

At some time during her pregnancy mom will get a cold. She will be extra miserable because about the only medicine she will be allowed to take is acetaminophen (Tylenol ®). You can help with non-drug techniques. First make sure she gets plenty of rest so her body can fight off the cold. Whether you feed a cold or feed a fever doesn't matter—you drown both of them. Get her to drink lots of fluids. Though doctors don't know exactly why, chicken soup does help. If the weather is cold, the air will be dry. A cool mist humidifier will increase the moisture in the air and make it easier for her to breath. This is a good investment since you will eventually need it for your child anyway.

You may even need to sleep in another room so she has room to toss and turn and you can sleep. If the snoring was bad before, it will be unbearable now.

Women, Infants and Children (WIC)

The WIC is a Department of Agriculture program to help ensure that pregnant women, new mothers, breastfeeding mothers, infants and children with lower incomes received a diet high in protein, calcium, iron and vitamins A & C. It is not a welfare program. The benefits of WIC include:

· Reductions in infant mortality

· Longer gestation (lowers risk of premature birth)

· Higher birth weights (low birth weight creates problems)

· Increased use of prenatal care

· Improved cognitive development of the children through better nutrition.

Participants receive vouchers that they can use to purchase specific foods such as milk, eggs, cheese, dry beans & peas, iron fortified adult and infant cereals, fruit or vegetable juice, canned tuna, and peanut butter.

Qualifying for WIC is based upon family income and medical need determined by the WIC staff. Almost all pregnant women are anemic so the medical need is usually easy. You should call or visit your local WIC office to determine eligibility.

If the mother qualifies for WIC assistance, the baby automatically qualifies after it is born.

Baby Stuff

Some new parents want to run right out and start getting baby stuff. Others get overwhelmed by just thinking about it. Most parenting books and magazines provide lists of the basic things you will need. Yet they leave out some important points.

Babies do just fine with hand me downs. Infants outgrow most things before they wear them out. Used clothing will be a little smaller due to shrinkage. If the label says 3-6 months, the size will be closer to 3 months than 6.

You really only need three things brand new. An infant specific child safety seat, things such as pacifiers and bottle nipples and a crib mattress. The mattress can be used if it is in good condition and does not sag, but these are hard to find.

When possible try out stuff before buying. Some things just don't work for everyone.

Education

Since this is all new, it makes since that you may need some training. But what do you need, where to start, and when do you do it?

This booklet web page is a good start and will get you through most of the pregnancy. You should read more in the references books listed on the Links page and you might want to start looking at parenting magazines.

Unless you have a good solid budget, you may want to either attend a class or talk with a financial counselor about money management. The class will be more generic, while a one-on-one session will focus on your situation. A good time to attend this is when mom enters her second trimester, about 13 weeks.

You will need child birth education. These classes let you know what to expect with the birth of your child and ways you can help. Guys no longer get the option of sitting in the waiting room for the nurse to bring out our bundle of joy. Most hospitals offer these classes along with a tour of the labor and delivery area. You should attend the one offered by the hospital you choose to use.

You will need basic infant care training. Most hospitals also provide this along with the child birth education.

You should attend both the child birth education and infant care classes when mom is in her third trimester, usually around 32 weeks.

One last thing. Before mom's ultrasound, you will need to decide if you want to know if you are having a boy or a girl. Most of the time the ultrasound reveals this. Knowing helps you plan, but some people like a surprise. The decision is up to you.

Pregnancy Problems

I mention these medical conditions just so you will know what they are. If your wife has one of these problems, you should find out more about it from her doctor or through the March of Dimes ( marchofdimes.com ) on this website.

Ectopic Pregnancy: This is when the fertilized egg attaches outside the uterus and starts to develop. There is not enough room for the baby to grow and once implanted, cannot be moved. The pregnancy must be ended. If not, the area will eventually rupture and possibly kill the mother. It is also called a tubal pregnancy because the egg often attaches in the fallopian tube.

Gestational Diabetes: This is a temporary form of diabetes caused by mom not producing enough insulin to handle her body's needs. It usually resolves with the birth of the child. Control of diet and exercise are the primary methods to prevent and control diabetes.

Preeclampsia: This is pregnancy induced high blood pressure. Doctors generally look for this beginning at about 20 weeks. Severe forms can progress into eclampsia which can kill the mother. The treatment is to reduce the blood pressure. For mild forms diet, exercise and stress reduction are the primary methods to reduce blood pressure. Mom may be placed on strict bed rest either at home or in the hospital. If this occurs after 28 weeks and progressively gets worse, the best treatment is to deliver the baby.

Placenta Previa: This is when the placenta covers, partially covers or touches the opening of the cervix. This can cause bleeding late in the pregnancy as the uterus stretches but the placenta attachment does not. If it covers or partially covers the opening, mom will have a planned C-section.

Miscarriage

Miscarriage is the spontaneous ending of a pregnancy. If it occurs in the first trimester it is an “early miscarriage,” between the first trimester and the 20 th week it is a “late miscarriage” and if it occurs after 20 weeks it is often called a “still birth”.

Most miscarriages occur early in the pregnancy and frequently before the woman even knows she is pregnant. The primary causes are something is genetically wrong with the baby or mother does not produce enough hormones to support the pregnancy.

In almost all cases the mother has no control over the miscarriage and did not do anything to cause it.

Depending upon the length of the pregnancy, doctors may have to remove the embryo or fetus using a procedure called a D&C (dilation and curettage).

Your job as coach is to be supportive. It is normal and necessary to grieve for this loss. You need to hold and comfort her; let her cry and vent. Reinforce that she did not do anything to cause this. Like the vast majority of women, she will have a successful pregnancy in the future. Expect the same mood swings as her body adjusts to not being pregnant.

There are no guidelines for taking time off for a miscarriage, so she will have to decide this with her doctor. Doctors commonly recommend no sexual intercourse for six weeks following a miscarriage, especially if it requires a D&C.

Just remember that if men had babies…

The law would allow you to punch total strangers who said, "it looks like you're having twins."

Natural childbirth would be an extreme sport.

Maternity clothing would look even worse.

Men's shoes would still be comfortable.

TV's in Labor and Delivery would get ESPN.

Diapers would have a load capacity rating and electronic sensors to indicate fullness.

The focus of parenting magazines would be both parents.

Baby clothing would be by weight and length not months.

We would brag about morning sickness.

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